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	<title>Slantmouth.com- Informing You About the Things You Care... About.</title>
	<link>http://slantmouth.com</link>
	<description>Informing You About the Things You Care... About.</description>
	<lastBuildDate>Sun, 24 Aug 2008 15:41:10 +0000</lastBuildDate>
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	<item>
		<title>The Hunt Continues</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The hunt for Bigfoot. An eternal mystery which rivals that of most other great mysteries. The Bermuda Triangle, the Lock Ness Monster, Aliens. All of these mysteries. Unsolved. Unanswered. Staring at mankind, mocking us from on high, laughing. Just laughing. God damned mysteries. But now, that hunt is over.

 
Memo. For immediate distribution.
I&#8217;ve done it, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/world/the-hunt-continues</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Amateur Satirist Writes Last Unfunny Article, Dies Naked and Alone</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The amateur satirist behind a less-than-popular news satire website, was tragically found dead in his apartment from an apparent self-inflicted groin wound. The victim&#8217;s body was discovered naked, surrounded by balled up tissues and empty lotion bottles, lightly lit by the seminal online satirical news source, the Onion, open on the victim&#8217;s computer.

Reports indicate that [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/health/amateur-satirist-writes-last-unfunny-article-dies-naked-and-alone</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>OMFG! MILEY CYRUS! BIKINI!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Dood! You wouldn&#8217;t believe it if I told you. Ok, you would, because like most attention-seeking, publicist-controlled, pre-pubescent young starlets, Miley Cyrus has &#8220;sexy&#8221; new photos dressed in a bikini. And underpants! Awesome! Jail bait!

Yes, that&#8217;s right. Take a deep breath. The daughter of none other than Mr. Achy Breaky Heart himself, Billy Ray Cyrus, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/entertainment/omfg-miley-cyrus-bikini</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Take the Blue Pill, Retard</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
In a startling perversion of every science fiction novel, movie, and comic that foretold of pills that would contain an entire steak dinner a la mode, researchers at the Salk Institute in California have found two chemicals that can mimic the positive effects of exercise. Previously, many dreamed of the day that science fiction meal [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/science/take-the-blue-pill-retard</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Totally Not Cuil!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Today, the interwebs witnessed the launch of &#8220;Cuil&#8221; (retardedly pronounced &#8220;Cool&#8221;), which many news agencies have dubbed, the &#8220;Google killer&#8221;. Why people seem to be so obsessed with which new technology is going to maim, eviscerate, and/or murderlize the current leader remains to be seen, but the masses are thirsty for tech blood. So far, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/business/totally-not-cuil</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>The WNBA: Fundamentally Boring</title>
		<description><![CDATA[ I&#8217;ve never paid much attention to women&#8217;s professional basketball. I guess I&#8217;d rather watch children cross a busy highway. At least with the children, there&#8217;s hope someone will eventually stop them. Who&#8217;s going to stop the WNBA? Probably no one, because while people actually care about children, no one cares about the WNBA.

In reality, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/opinion/the-wnba-fundamentally-boring</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Gitmo Legal</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Nearly seven years after the start of the War on Terror, the first Guantanamo war crimes trial is underway. The first defendant is Salim Ahmed Hamdan, Osama bin Laden&#8217;s former driver. Television executives, constantly looking for ideas of questionable quality, are using the trial as inspiration for a new fall show, &#8220;Crime and Punishment: Cuban [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/crime/gitmo-legal</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Bore me, Al Gore</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Thursday, Al Gore gave yet another speech about the planet or something. Look, I wasn&#8217;t really paying attention, but it&#8217;s probably the same old rigmarole. &#8220;Blah, blah, icecaps,&#8221; and &#8220;Yadda, yadda, carbon.&#8221; Yeah, Al, we know. Stuff&#8217;s all screwed up and you want us to fix it. It used to be that you&#8217;d tell everyone [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/world/bore-me-al-gore</link>
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	<item>
		<title>So Long, and Thanks for All the Wit</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Recently, at the G8 Summit in Japan, our dear president, Mr. George W. Bush did something so unbelievable; we almost can&#8217;t believe it&#8217;s true. Just when you may have thought that one man&#8217;s absolute audacity and general contempt for those around him had reached levels that could never be topped by any mere mortal, that&#8217;s [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/so-long-and-thanks-for-all-the-wit</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Drug Wars: A New Hope</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The World Health Organization (WHO) has released a report showing that the United States leads the world in cocaine and marijuana abuse based on the percentage of the population that have used these drugs in their lifetime. This data can lead to only one shocking conclusion: America is losing the War on Drugs. In fact, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/crime/drug-wars-a-new-hope</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Mars Lander&#8217;s in Space</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
While there may be plenty of amazing things happening on Earth, something even more amazing occurred on our sister planet, Mars. Last week, with a spunky &#8220;Are you ready to celebrate?  Well, get ready: We have ICE!!!!! Yes, ICE, *WATER ICE* on Mars!  w00t!!!  Best day ever!!&#8221; the Phoenix Mars Lander declared [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/world/mars-landers-in-space</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Impeachment Watch &#8216;08: The End is Near</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The Congressman voted most likely to bake cookies inside a tree or be cast in a Lord of the Rings movie, Dennis Kucinich, has recently introduced a resolution in Congress to impeach President Bush. The grounds for the resolution primarily revolve around the Iraq war and lying, lots of lying. Frankly, most Americans have trouble [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/impeachment-watch-08-the-end-is-near</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Everyone is Yelling! (The Nomination Edition)</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Last week, history was made as Illinois Senator Barack Obama was declared the first black nominee for President of the United States of America. Slantmouth wishes to congratulate Mr. Obama in his monumental victory. As he celebrated, we managed to get a few statements, and it was clear he was amped up and ready to [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/everyone-is-yelling-the-nomination-edition</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Recession Depressions</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Times are tough. We probably don&#8217;t have to do a whole lot of explaining before you figure out how bad things are. Gas prices are soaring, the economy is in recession (or is it!?)&#8230; hell, even food is more expensive than it used to be. Slantmouth Headquarters cut off the air conditioning months ago, and [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/science/recession-depressions</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Get Well, Ted Kennedy</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Word spread quickly at Slantmouth Headquarters, located in the nation&#8217;s capital, ground-zero of the American political machine: Ted Kennedy had the big C. It turned out to be a brain tumor and the prognosis was not good. This made us reconsider our in-depth and well-researched exposé on why Ted Kennedy&#8217;s head is so big. After [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/get-well-ted-kennedy</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Hillary Clinton&#8217;s Never Ending Story</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The unrelenting force of nature that is the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign presses forward. The shear momentum of the lumbering beast is too much to stop now. Despite the chorus of voices calling for her to concede, she marches on, like a lemming with fat ankles at the edge of a cliff. The important lesson [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/hillary-clintons-never-ending-story</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Sacrificial Hawks</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Everyone makes sacrifices during times of war. Some lose their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers or fathers. Some lose their limbs, and others their very lives. And while these sacrifices are noble, some lose something even more precious: their desire to play golf.

In a recent interview with Politico, President Bush stated, &#8220;I don&#8217;t want some [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/sacrificial-hawks</link>
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	<item>
		<title>The Incestual Burial Ground</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Few stories are horrific enough that even the staff at Slantmouth is left with little to say. Unfortunately, after Austrian Josef Friztl imprisoned and raped his own daughter in a soundproof dungeon built in his basement for over twenty-four years, fathering seven of his own grandchildren, well, the permanent taste of vomit in our mouths [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/world/the-incestual-burial-ground</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Madam Suicide</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Last week, the infamous DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, was found dead in Tarpon Springs, Florida at her mother&#8217;s home. The cause was thought to be suicide. Just two weeks ago, she was found guilty of running a prostitution ring, during which she had kept a &#8220;little black book&#8221; connecting many of DC&#8217;s most powerful [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/madam-suicide</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Pentagon Puppets Teach Valuable Life Lessons</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The New York Times has reported that over the last several years the Pentagon has been covertly inserting their invisible hand up the rears of several television military analysts and using them as their own personal meaty man-puppets. They were literally supplying Bush administration talking points to major journalistic outlets in the guise of thoughtful [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/pentagon-puppets-teach-valuable-life-lessons</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Everyone is Yelling! (Clinton vs. Obama III)</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
It&#8217;s been busy. Bittergate, elitism, crazy questions about conspiracy; we don&#8217;t even know where to begin. Regardless, since last week&#8217;s travesty of a Democratic Debate, the candidates were just itching to get the issues back on the table and as always, Slantmouth was there. We bring you the third (and for the love of God, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/everyone-is-yelling-clinton-vs-obama-iii</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Apostolic (visit) Now!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
As many may already know, Slantmouth is proudly based in the Nation&#8217;s Capitol, Washington, DC. So one can only imagine how our unholy hearts leapt for joy when we heard that the Pope was coming to town. Finally, a chance at redemption, a chance at salvation, a chance to kick it with his holiness, Pope [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/world/apostolic-visit-now</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Beijing 2008: One World, One Yawn</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Protesters in London and Paris have disrupted the joyous procession of the Olympic Torch as it makes its way to Beijing. Why would anyone protest the Olympics, a globally unifying celebration of nations beating one another into submission in various athletic events? It has everything to do with China&#8217;s human rights record, which is terrible, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/world/beijing-2008-one-world-one-yawn</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Head Up Our Nuclear Arsenal</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The Pentagon recently announced that they had &#8220;accidentally&#8221; shipped Taiwan parts from a Minuteman ballistic missile. These parts, consisting of four electrical fuses, are used to trigger nuclear weapons (although they do not contain nuclear material). Taiwan had ordered helicopter batteries, but received the fuses instead, which if you weren&#8217;t already aware, makes no goddamned [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/head-up-our-nuclear-arsenal</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Everyone is Yelling! (Clinton vs. Obama II)</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The Presidential elections are heating up with a heat so hot, you may call it picante! Obama continues to gain strength, Hillary continues to whine, and everyone continues to cringe as the Democratic party, once again implodes. Now, Slantmouth proudly presents: Everyone is Yelling! Clinton vs. Obama Round Two!

 

OBAMA! John McCain would WHOOP YO&#8217; [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/everyone-is-yelling/everyone-is-yelling-clinton-vs-obama-ii</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Spitzer Screws Self</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
The air is ripe with the stink of another political sex scandal. The Democratic Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, was revealed to have had 7 to 8 rendezvouses with high-end prostitutes. Despite the shock displayed by many, it should come as little surprise. In recent years, the annual political sex scandal has become a [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/spitzer-screws-self</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Night of the Crack Head</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Imagine. Night falls across the land, and a menace takes to the street. They scurry in the darkness, hunting, searching, seeking&#8230; questing. They seek not flesh, not brains not souls, no; they’re after your electronics. Why? Because thanks to a decision by the U.S. Sentencing Commission, thousands of crack convicts could be released from federal [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/crime/night-of-the-crack-head</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Everyone is Yelling! (Clinton vs. Obama)</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
Today, Slantmouth brings you the first part in a new, ongoing series- Everyone is Yelling! While this feature will likely stick to the sticky stuff, like elections, only sweet Jesus himself actually knows where this one will end up going&#8212;probably nowhere! Everyone is Yelling will highlight intelligent, point, counterpoint debates from prominent figures.
This round? Hillary [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/everyone-is-yelling/everyone-is-yelling-clinton-vs-obama</link>
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	<item>
		<title>The Odd Couple Out</title>
		<description><![CDATA[
After nearly fifty years, Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. As his reign of leading a country into abject poverty ends, a new life begins. It will be a life of nonstop toga parties, with a pinch of dementia. When a man waits until his 80&#8217;s to retire, as Castro has, there is [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/politics/the-odd-couple-out</link>
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		<title>Earth: At Least it&#8217;s a Dry Heat</title>
		<description><![CDATA[A new study this week has prompted a prominent figure in the scientific community to once again emerge and raise the question of global warming with the world. The study, conducted by your own Finnius Fapperton, has shown that the weather is, indeed, totally effed up. The method performed in the study consisted largely of [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://slantmouth.com/world/earth-at-least-its-a-dry-heat</link>
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